average life

It’s been a while since I’ve done a meme.  With this one you are apparently supposed to bold all the ones that apply.

1.Change a flat tire
Heck, yeah sucka.  I don’t need no stinking triple-a.

2.Tie a bow tie
So, apparently gentleman=dork?

3.Carve a turkey
Um.  I can make a paper one with my hand.  There are scissors involved…does that count?

4.Open a bottle of champagne
I can twist off the top of a bottle of sparkling grape juice.

5.Change the oil in a car
Yep.  I’ve done it a million times, but I don’t now because that is what money is for: having other people crawl under your car.

6.If asked, you know the name of a good barber
Crimpers on Monroe.  I guess they aren’t really “barbers” per se.

7.Have a tailor who knows your measurements
What about a “Taylor” who knows my waist size?

8.Tie a bowline, clove hitch, and a square knot
Tie your own knots.  What do I look like, Ishmael?  …From Moby Dick…fisherman…ties knots…

9.Chop wood
Always go with the grain.

10.Shoot a rifle
I prefer to watch violence on tv.

11.Make a dry martini
Dry martinis are for pansies.  And people who drink

12.Keep a checkbook balanced
What about keeping a Quicken balanced?

13.BBQ
Yes.  I’ve even worked in a barbecue restaurant.  Best Butts in T-Town.

14.Lay a fire
I won a contest once.  No, really.

15.Change a fuse
Or flip a breaker, when the crap was this written.

16.Polish shoes
I know how, but I choose not to.

17.The ability to read stock quotes in the business section
Sure, why not.

18.Keep score at a baseball game
Um.  Yeah, it’s not that hard.

19.Jump-start a car
Red is positive, black is negative….wait…

20.Know how to throw a punch
See #10

21.Own a tuxedo
So it can go out of style in two years?  No thank you.

22.Know how to judge a new wine
With about the same authority as a “America’s Got Talent” judge.

23.Do your own taxes at least once in your life.
Schedule C plus estimated taxes!  1040EZ is for wusses!

24.Carry a handkerchief

I actually did on my mission.  Then I realized it was disgusting.