Personal CEO Tony Hayward responded today to allegations that he mishandled my most recent relationship, which resulted in breakup and bitterness. Some watchdog groups also released press statements today, calling the breakup “inevitable” as well as allegedly “calling it”, claiming Hayward ignored months of warning signs of the impending personal disaster.
“Was I even close to perfect? Absolutely not. With the benefit of hindsight, would I have done things differently? Of course. But would I change fundamentally the role I played? No,” Hayward said, as personal fallout of the relationship reached family and friends as far away as Ohio. The statement came after a series of PR gaffs that included listening to a moody Silversun Pickups song on repeat through over headphones at work as well as trying to destroy evidence of the failed relationship with the deletion of over a hundred emails and digital photographs from my iPhoto and Gmail account.
Leaked emails and online chats revealed reckless behavior during the relationship itself, including the creation of a Pandora station seeded with the pop singer Lady Gaga as well as the use of “an excessive amount” of smiley emoticons in instant message conversations.
Perhaps the most shocking revelation of the press event happened when Hayward admitted that this wasn’t the first occurrence of this particular breakup. “There was an incident back in March which resulted in a breakup of the relationship for about a month. We had teams working around the clock trying to patch things up and in late April we saw the first signs of the fix taking hold. Unfortunately, the foundation of the seal was weak and the break up occurred again.”
When asked if he planned to resign over the breakup, Hayward denied any plans for his immediate departure, refuting earlier claims that he was scheduled to exit the position of my personal CEO at the end of this month. The rumor of Hayward’s sacking also alleged a severance package containing that tin of unsalted almonds and a half-eaten bag of yogurt covered raisins that I have in my snack drawer at work.
The breakup has been spewing bitterness and cynicism since it occurred seven days ago. Hayward downplayed initial reports of the severity of the incident, describing the impact as “very modest”. Further evidence, however, revealed the damage to be more extensive than previously thought. “Things are progressing reasonably well, but it will be a while before things get back to normal,” admitted the weary Hayward who then quipped, “I’d like my life back.”