average life

Once at church when I was a teenager, we were asked to write a letter to ourselves in five years or something. Several years ago I remember getting that letter. I don’t remember much about what it was about. I think I was seventeen or eighteen when I wrote it, s0 five years would have put me in the middle of college (after mission), so the content probably had a lot to do with that.

I was thinking recently (and by “recently”, I mean five minutes ago) about what my growing-up-self would think of my current self. I think I am more like my growing-up-self now than I was five years ago. There was this weird period before mission, during, and soon after where I changed. Some of the changes were for the better, but some were just…different. I didn’t really act much like “myself”. Weirdly enough, it is now that some things that were important to me in middle school seem to be important to me again. I don’t even have any very good examples of what I am talking about.

I guess the point is that I think the middle-school me would approve of the current me. The early college me probably wouldn’t (although I think the early college me would be secretly jealous). The middle school me would be impressed that I’ve had my name on a TV show, part of my job is to be creative, I live in the city (although there would probably be judgment over the fact that I don’t live in New York), I stand up for my beliefs, I try to recycle and conserve energy, I vote Democrat occasionally, and that I have a laptop (some of my standards were pretty low, I admit). The middle school me would probably be disappointed in a few things, too, but all in all he would be pretty happy about where I am right now.

I walked down to the park yesterday. I don’t stroll. Even when I walk through the park for recreation, it seems as though I am late for an appointment on the other side. While I walked I thought about the things that separate me from my current social circles, both at work and private. When I thought about possibly adopting habits that would make me fit in more, I was immediately repulsed. For better or for worse, I’ve never really been able to allow myself to conform to the social norms of those around me unless I believed in them, too. More often than not, this placed me at the edge of groups: in them, but not towards the middle. That used to bother me, but it bothers me less and less as I get older. People are too diverse to go and change yourself to fit into their ideas. Granted, age has helped to to know when to shut up. You don’t have to change your views, but sometimes you don’t have to talk about them either.

This is a weird post, but I make no apologies for it. :-)