average life

I have an irrational hatred of greetings cards.  Wait, it’s not irrational, greeting cards have some of the worst writing in all of creativity (and I’m including that commercial for built-to-order metal sheds that plays constantly on broadcast TV that I’m suddenly watching again for some reason).  Given this deep-seated loathing, it’s completely expected that I would love someecards, which exist in direct parody of the greeting card industry.  For those who have never read these cards, don’t, because if you haven’t read them already, you are likely to be offended by them.  In fact, stop reading because I’m going to post several.

Okay, now this last one will be the topic of our conversation today simply because it was in the Flirting section of someecards. (In full disclosure, this isn’t the real card that prompted this post, but this blog has my name in the URL, so I chickened out posting that one.) Now, it should be readily apparent that the site’s humor is over-the-top, but it got me thinking about flirting and how bad I am at it.

Actually, I’m pretty good at it, apparently, but with the wrong people. I’ve been told that I can be quite flirty with cashiers and waiters, but when the object of my interaction isn’t a business transaction, I become something akin to a DMV employee.

Potential Conversation:

Him: I’m pretty new to Atlanta, what’s fun to do here?

At this point, I’m wondering why this person is even talking to me; I feign aloofness. This almost always will be taken too far, giving me a completely disinterested presence.

Me: I don’t know. The aquarium is pretty cool, but it’s expensive.

Wow, great suggestion, it’s something anyone Googling the Atlanta Tourism Board could have come up with. Our subject, however, is not easily dissuaded.

Him: That’s cool, I’ve never been to an aquarium. Hey, are there cool music venues here?

Weird question, I’ll think (for some reason), and this thought will bleed into my tone.

Me: Um, what kind of music do you like?

This question is to help match him to an applicable music scene, but will come across as, “you like Ke$ha, don’t you?”

Him: Umm…

He’s thinking this isn’t going well, and it isn’t.

Him: Mostly indie-type stuff, I guess. Sigur Rós, Death Cab, Bloc Party, Metric, The Weepies…

At this point, I’m swooning, but never dreaming he’d be interested in return, I reign it in.

Me: Yeah, those are cool.

Him: I love going to concerts, but I don’t really know anyone here yet…

Aha! But not the right “aha”. Clearly he is gauging interest in spending more time together, but since I am completely oblivious, I see a need and out of a desire to be useful suggest:

Me: You know, you should talk to Jessica, she loves going to concerts, too, and would probably be interested.

And thus, we witness a fail.

I’d like to believe that my ineptitude in flirting comes merely by the low number of flirting possibilities in my associations, the reality is that even if my social circles included more flirting prospects, I’d continue being completely dense to other people’s intentions. So, to prevent confusion, I request the world start communicating by handing out small cards such as this: